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Shut up Becky!

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4th October 2007

1:44pm: Today...
...would have marked a decade... I think that is the aluminum year... Good lord give me the strength to get through today... ugh. I wonder if it's even remembered this year? hmm... I don't dare ask. At least I won't be embarrassed this year. woo. hoo. ok... waterworks goin.


good news of the day... just found out the fam is coming on the 24th! :) something to look forward to at least...








-Say hello to everything you've left behind. It's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it
Current Mood: depressed

22nd August 2007

1:33pm: I DON'T KNOW IF I AM SURE IF I SHOULD BE WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW. I'M STILL UNSURE HOW I FEEL, BUT I KNOW IF I DON'T RELEASE SOME OF THIS FROM MY BRAIN, I JUST MIGHT EXPLODE. MY WORLD IS CHANGING SO DRAMATICALLY I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE MEANS TO COPE. I AM SURE I NEED SOME SORT OF PROFESSIONAL HELP, BUT I SUPPOSE I WILL HAVE TO USE THE WRITTEN LANGUAGE AND MY SISTER'S EARS SINCE I CANNOT AFFORD SUCH COUNSELING.

I KNOW I AM ON THE BRINK OF LOSING MY CLOSEST AND BEST FRIEND, ALONG WITH THE FRIENDS AND ENVIRONMENTS CONNECTED WITH HIM. IT HAS BEEN MY HOME AND LIFE FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS AND I FIND THE TRANSITION TO EMPTINESS BOTH TERRIFYING AND UNWELCOME. THIS LIFE HAS DEFINED ME AS THE PERSON I AM TODAY AND I'M NOT SURE WHO I WILL BECOME WITHOUT THOSE CONSTANT INFLUENCES. I'M AFRAID I WILL NOT LIKE THE PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE. I ALREADY DON'T APPROVE OF MY REACTIONS TO THIS EVOLUTION. MY IRRATIONAL, OVER INDULGENT BEHAVIOR HAS BEEN A TESTAMENT TO MY CORE BREAKDOWN. THEY SAY CHANGE IS GOOD, AND WHAT IS MAKES US STRONGER, I HOPE IT EVENTUALLY DOES.

TONIGHT I FACE THE INEVITABLE DECISION, THAT IS NOT MINE ALONE TO MAKE NOR DO I THINK MY OPINION ON THE MATTER WILL CHANGE THE STEPS THAT HAVE ALREADY BEEN PUT IN MOTION. I AM SO FRIGHTENED AND APPREHENSIVE TO THIS. I AM ANGRY, CONFUSED, HURT, DEPRESSED, DISAPPOINTED, SHOCKED, CRUSHED. I AM LOST. I AM--I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT ELSE. I JUST CAN'T COPE RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T WANT ANYMORE ADVICE OR PEOPLE TELLING ME ALL WILL WORK OUT FOR THE BEST. I AM SICK OF HEARING THAT. I WANT A FRIEND. A SHOULDER. I DON'T HAVE THAT BEYOND MY SISTERS WHO I'M AFRAID I AM UPSETTING MORE THAN I WANT TO.

I LOVE HIM. I WISH I HAD BEEN BETTER AND PERHAPS COULD BEEN ENOUGH.

HINDSIGHT IS A BITCH.
Current Mood: crushed

15th November 2006

3:07pm: A request to the radio station high up in the sky
It's Richard's 25th birthday today... well it would be if he were still alive. This morning I woke up with a song in my head and it immediately made me think of him. I don't know exactly why... So on my way to work I asked to hear it. I don't know if I was asking the radio station or the powers that be or Richard himself... I just asked. Of course, I made it all the way to work without hearing it. I chuckled at my optimism wondering what I was thinking-- I mean, I haven't even heard it outside of my internal music since long before he died. So I went inside and forgot about my request.

So just now, I left for lunch. I got in my car and pulled onto Orangethorpe. The song that was playing as I left the parking lot has now left my mind completely. It was the song after that that made me laugh and cry all at once like a mad man. My request was heard.




A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

But february made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.

I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.

So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock ’n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well, I know that you’re in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

I started singin’,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Now for ten years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,

Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.

We were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?

We started singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan’s spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

He was singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I’d heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn’t play.

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.

And they were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

They were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die."

31st October 2006

3:31pm: Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween to me!
Happy Halloween to me!
Happy Hallowe-en, Dear Becky,
Happy Halloween to me!

And, by the off chance, someone is actually reading this blasted thing, Happy Halloween to you too!
Today I'm a Geisha!
Current Mood: I just ate!
1:51pm: SCHISM

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers
Current Mood: pensive

25th October 2006

2:44pm: I found this worth resharing :)
***poem 30; by e. e. cummings***

one winter afternoon

(at the magical hour
when is becomes if)

a bespangled clown
standing on eighth street
handed me a flower.

Nobody,it's safe
to say,observed him but

myself;and why?because

without any doubt he was
whatever(first and last)

mostpeople fear most:
a mystery for which i've
no word except alive

--that is,completely alert
and miraculously whole;

with not merely a mind and a heart

but unquestionably a soul--
by no means funereally hilarious

(or otherwise democratic)
but essentially poetic
or ethereally serious:

a fine not a coarse clown
(no mob,but a person)

and while never saying a word

who was anything but dumb;
since the silence of him

self sang like a bird.
Mostpeople have been heard
screaming for international

measures that render hell rational
--i thank heaven somebody's crazy

enough to give me a daisy
Current Mood: mellow

24th October 2006

4:09pm: Why is it so rare for me to have a happy entry? I'm a happy person! Hmmm...
So... Sunday my sister was in a car accident. She is fine, well, banged up and whip lashed, but healthy. She called, from the ambulance, because she felt someone should know where they were taking her and asked me to contact her roommate and have her meet them at the hospital. She said she was experiencing neck pain. Then, abruptly, she had to go. I talked to her for all of maybe 50 seconds.

I hung up the phone, called her roommate (no answer), left vague message, called Ben (no answer) left another vague message, went on the internet to find out what hospital name my sister called out as she hung up (Hog? Did she say Hog?!?! What the hell kind of name is that for a hospital?!?! Oh! Hoag! Right… Gotchya.. Hoag) took a hot shower, then I proceeded to freak the fuck out. I knew she was alive, I knew she was coherent enough to dial my number and converse with me, yet I still freaked... completely. It just felt like total Deja-vu September 9th when I heard Richard had been involved in an accident… and the fact that I remember the date shows you how that turned out.

But she was fine… she is fine… so why am I still freaked out?

…And no time to puff-puff, because we’re moving on to phase two of Sunday, Bloody Sunday:

So got myself dressed, in my car and drove to my dads (nice sobby ride- oh, and Ben finally answered my 50th spazzy call when I turned onto Bastanchury.) When I pulled up to the hose she called back and calmed both my dad (who had stopped changing the brakes on his car because he was shaking too much) and myself down a bit. Then, my dad unleashes the second bit of news. A coyote ate my cat, of like 14 years, Tiger. Mind you this is the three-legged cat that knew every person on the block, and they all knew him. He could be a little annoying at times with his constant need for attention, but he was a damn good cat with a lot of personality! So now I’m down to one. Mug. The baby. He had better live a few more years at least because I can’t handle any more death business for at least that long. We are trying to take him in at night to keep him safe away from the damn coyotes.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday.

So, still reeling from my Sunday, on comes Monday. I had a pretty boring day at work (which would be nice if it wasn’t the same as every other day at work these days!) After work, I went to the apartment, had some dinner, caught up on my Desperate Housewives (yes, I still watch it. No, I don’t know why) ran a couple of errands and then got into the same monotonous fight I have gotten into a gazillion times in my life… for saying three little words… and for those of you that know me, you know what those words are… It’s just that most of y’all don’t believe me for some reason. Which results in me getting yelled at… a lot… and my eventual depression for the next few days. Good times. Today hasn’t gotten much better either. That same bad energy seems to have become parasite onto every person I know today. Ugh. At least I have my excel spreadsheets to work on! (Am I a geek for loving excel?)

OK, off the Becky Downer and on to a lighter note, Chris, Hakan and Dev come into town tomorrow night!!! I can’t wait! John got Devin a little sports car shaped bed (so cute!) He is going to LOVE it! I know they will be too tired to really hang out, but at least they will be within arms reach instead of Swedlandia! I wish so bad I could pull our two continents together! It would make things a little more bearable.
And, Halloween is just days away! My favorite day of the year! I also can’t wait for that either!

Happy days will be here again!

And of course, I just read Thiel’s daily blog… that always makes me smile!
Current Mood: indescribable

20th October 2006

4:39pm: So bored...
at work...

nothing to do...

but fuck around on the internet...

sheesh.

19th October 2006

3:09pm: Today I am feeling...
just bliss. Perfect bliss!

For a very long time now, I have been on a constant blah.

Yesterday, for no apparent reason, I did an about face... and it's glorious!

If only life could always be this pleasant!
Current Mood: ecstatic

13th April 2006

1:44pm: DEMOTED
YESTERDAY. SUCKS ASS. WANT TO GO HOME.

HOPE I STILL GET MY SAME SHITTY PAY.
Current Mood: depressed

13th September 2005

4:42pm: My afternoon
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*GASP*AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Current Mood: rushed

8th September 2005

10:19am: Am I being heard...?
It seems that every group of people I surround myself with, whether it be at home or at work, everyone fights to be the one with the most attention placed on them. I don't see myself as one who really fights for it, I generally end up being the quietest one in the room (unless I have had a little alcohol :) or a lot) More and more I notice that this gives the rest of the world the idea that whatever it is that I have to say, is unimportant and should be interrupted at every possible point. Then, at the end of the day I end up babbling on to Ben, who willingly admitted he watches the tv instead of listening to me, or to Dawn, who, bless her soul, listens even though I know she would much rather be watching Angel or reading Harry Potter.... or well, anything other than listen to my rant.

For example, I just attempted 3 times to tell someone a story which, granted, WAS pointless, but still important for me to share... and all three times, someone came in the door and immediately started talking, leaving my story left untold. Is it no longer common courtesy to wait your turn to talk?

I know I am not the most interesting person in the world, and I don't answer with quick witty remarks that are bound to keep a captive audience, but shouldn't I be allowed to speak once in a while without feeling like no one wants to listen? I don't want to be an attention whore or anything, it would just be nice to finish a story without being interrupted by someone else's obviously more important tale-to-tell.


And yes, I do know that I sound like a winny bitch every time I write on this... Just seems like the only times I have something to say is when I want to vent. :)
Current Mood: frustrated

14th July 2005

12:30pm: Ya know those days...
I am feeling very shunned right now... unappreciated, if you will.

I hate this feeling...
Current Mood: rejected

29th April 2005

2:21pm: Just me and a beer...
I sat by myself at a bar last night. Never really done that before. I guess I kinda cheated by going to a bar where everyone knows my name... but still. It felt weird to sit there by myself. I got through one and a half beers before I started to call anyone I thought might be the slightest bit inclined to come and meet me for a drink... everyone was busy or they just didn't answer... probably in sleepy town.

It made me wonder why it is that people are so scared to sit alone in a public place. I'm young, I have friends and people I love and people who love me, yet I sit there bored thinking everyone is judging me. Like they are all sitting there looking at me thinking What a loser! Sitting by herself. I bet she doesn't have any friends.

It also made me wonder how many friends I have already lost.

And then Andy asked me to go sit with all the other people I knew there. So I did, I sat with them... and I was still alone.
Current Mood: gloomy

20th April 2005

2:12pm: I know... it's a part of life, but I HATE CHANGE!!!
It scares me.


So, I am getting older, like the rest of the world. The thing about getting older though is you change and everyone and everything around you changes. This has become something to obsess over for me lately. I am noticing this in my relationships mostly. Some people I have known and been very close to for years are drifting, others that I've know for a a month or a year or who have stood in the shadows, seem to be the ones that are becoming closest. This happens from time to time, but usually it's just kept in my head and soon it passes with maybe one or two new faces and maybe one or two familiar faces lost. This time though, I have been hearing it from the people currently in my life as well. I don't know what it is exactly. Maybe it is all me, maybe it's them, maybe both. Maybe I am changing my interests or the way I think about things maybe I'm not even realizing it's me that is seeking out something different- I honestly don't know. It seems like I am looking around me and realizing everything is shifted, just an inch or two, but enough for me to wonder if it's time to reevaluate my surroundings.

Every mother, father and friend in the world would tell me "it's just part of getting older..." or "it happens to everyone..." and all that jazz... to some, maybe, that is comforting, knowing you aren't alone, but not to me. I don't know if I have one single person in my life that I think "hey, ya know, I really wish we would lose touch" nor do I ever really seek out the new (or the old, when it comes to friends. Lisa can attest to that one.) I just don't try as hard as other people to make sure we evolve in the same direction. Passive Becky. I just sit back and watch as we drift, filling my life with whoever makes the biggest attempts at our relationship. So I know I can't complain, I am just scared. Where will I be in 5 years? Who will be there with me? Some randos or people who witnessed it all?
Current Mood: thoughtful

9th March 2005

2:42pm: Well, it's Wednesday...
yet I have a bad case of the Monday's. How is that possible? This week has been so long and crappy. I feel like it is never going to end. Also, I feel like all kinds of poop. I hate being sick. Good lord, Saturday come sooooooooooon!
Oh wait, thats right, this weekend is going to suck too. Boyfriend is going out of town with all the boys. It's that wonderful spring training boys only time again...
UGH! Someone put me out of my misery!

God, am I always this much of a freak'n downer?
Current Mood: crappy

28th February 2005

2:34pm: Also
I was just a total bitch to one of the girls that works in the warehouse because she wasn't understanding me. She barely speaks English. That was very mean of me I want to go appologize but I'm scared she and her friends will jump me (jk). Oh, I'm in a bitchy rut... this sucks.
Current Mood: bitchy
1:34pm: I can't work, I can't sleep until someone knows how I feel...anyone...
Yesterday I was really upset, as I'm sure it is obvious, and I needed to vent. Today, I realize, I may not have been very organized in my thoughts. Here's the thing...

Yes, Ben was upset about his birthday, but less than me, I think. I had a really hard time understanding how his friends, our friends, could bail out on him half way through the night. It was his birthday. We always do the dinner and a movie thing, and the birthday kid gets to pick. If he chose a movie that was not desirable to everyone, maybe another event could be suggested BEFORE we went out. It is not cool to bail out 5 minutes before the movie starts. Also, I don't know how many movies I have seen that I didn't like, or restaurants I don't care for for the sake of a friend on their birthday.

There's always the "I'm tired" or the "I don't have enough money" explanations, which are valid excuses, just please, for the love of God, stick to that and go home or to the associated house. Going out to a bar with the other bailers just adds salt to the wound.

I'm sorry I can't get over this. I know it wasn't a plot against him or anything like that, but I don't think anyone realized what jerks they were that night. Later, when I talked to some of the friends about it and tried to put this point across, everyone got defensive and claimed no fault. It's so frustrating to tell someone, after they have asked mind you, that they may have made a mistake only to have them tell you you're wrong immediately afterward. Don't ask if you can't handle the truth. It's one night out of the year. One. I wish, for one night, people could have done something for him. He never misses a birthday, without good reason, for his friends.

I'm sorry if I am being unreasonable, but this was one time that I really needed to be the bitch. I love you guys, and anyone who reads this, I'm sorry I couldn't say it to your face, I guess this is just the Becky cheat'n way of doing things. The part that sucks, is many of the people I want to say this to will probably never read this, if not all of the people I want to know. At least I got it out there though.
Current Mood: crushed

27th February 2005

3:29pm: Just things I need to get off my chest before I explode
Here are a few rules that I am going to try to live by, and I would like to encourage others to try it out too. I love you all, but I really can't seem to get any of this off my mind. I know this probably wont ever be read by the eyes that I intended to tell all this to, but here goes...

1. When you think you have hurt someone, chances are, you did. Take steps to correct the situation immediately... ie. Say sorry, talk to the person and see what will make it better, most of all, acknowledge it!

2. When asking another if you have hurt said person, accept the fact that they may say yes. If that happens, LISTEN to what they have to say, you might learn something.

3. Don't immediately turn onto the defensive. You aren't always right. Yeah, maybe you thought you would be the only one, but you weren’t. Either way, it doesn't make you a better person to say "well I didn't know!" Yeah, you did know, otherwise you wouldn't be asking about it.

4. If in a group of people with a future destination in mind, do not leave one behind. Try inviting the person to go with you, even if you don't want them to go. It is RUDE and downright mean to exclude only one person. Also, it is even more rude to create an activity, but only invite certain of your "friends" to participate.

5. If you are not pleased with the events planned, you of course always have the option of bailing out on those plans. However, please keep in mind someone planned that event, and everyone has feelings. If it is for a special event, perhaps it may be the most appropriate time to put your feelings aside and do it for the sake of a friend. By all means. don't seek out alternative "cooler" plans with other members of the group. This is hurtful, not only to the one who planned the events, but to others as well.

6. If you aren't comfortable with certain members of your group, please try to be an adult be polite to said person. Not everyone is oblivious to snide remarks and obvious dodging and ditching. These games should be left in high school where they belong. Unfortunately, they follow us into adulthood. They were hurtful then, and they are hurtful now. Don't be a bully.

I know some of you may be reading this asking where I'm coming from, others may think I am attacking them, know that I'm not. I love you all but I just need to say this.

I guess the moral of the story is, treat others, as you would like to be treated. Easier said than done, I know. None of us are perfect but we should stand by each other because that's what friends do. I love you all more than you know, I am just very frustrated. I want everyone to be respected and treated equally.
Current Mood: angry

18th February 2005

3:37pm: Guess it't time to update...
Well, here I am in a real live office... with air conditioning and walls and quite and all the other stuff most of y'all take for granted. I moved down the hall from my dusty loud cubical to Karen's office. It'll be nice to have a roommate. Someone to bitch at when I'm frustrated or sad or happy or whatever. And the air conditioning and lights! Yea! Now if I could just get a raise...


In other, way less happy news, to those who were praying for my friends, thank you. I regret to inform the baby lived only a short 28 days. Sarah Michele passed away on the 15th. I don't think I am ready to get into more detail than that. Just wanted to say thank you.
Current Mood: exhausted

24th January 2005

2:55pm: Just a quick shout out...
A very good friend of mine is going through a very hard time right now. His daughter was born a month early and there have been complications. I will leave out the details, but I wanted to ask a favor...

I know I am not a very religious person anymore, but I wanted to ask all 3 of my friends who actually read this to please put a prayer or two his way. I know it will help. His name is Danny, his wife is Jennifer. They have a son named Connor and the new baby girl is named Sarah. I know a lot of you are not very religious either, and I know most of you don't know them, but even a moment to send even good thoughts their way would mean something to me and them. Thanks.
Current Mood: hopeful

7th January 2005

12:15pm: So, I am a Celebrity... Weird
So, last night this guy came in through the back of my work (where all the printers are) and all the way to my desk. Nhan stopped him and told him he couldn't be here, that it was a place of business. Then the guy told him that he won a surround sound system and that God wanted him to tell us that. Nhan escorted him out of the building while I sat there dumbfounded and he locked the dude out. The guy got mad and started banging on the door and trying the door knob a bunch of times and wouldn't leave, so we called the cops. There were only about 10 people left in the building, most of them girls. We waited until the cops came then walked out in groups. I filled my water bottle up so I would have something heavy to hit him with if he charged. Karen, Pilar and I left together and the rest of the people in the building walked out partially with us, turns out, the guy broke the door knob off. Creepy.
So now, everyone in my work thinks I'm like so brave and kind of a celebrity because I had contact with him (Nhan and I were the only ones). Kinda weird 'cause I didnt do anything. But everyone keeps asking me about him. Even people that don't ever talk to me were saying hello when I walked in. It was really weird because the whole printshop pretty much stopped and watched me walk in. That creeped me out almost as much as the crazy dude.
The whole time he was here, I was just wishing he would leave so I could pick up the food I just ordered.
All in a days work.
Current Mood: amused

14th December 2004

2:24pm: sad sad day
Well, my sister and Devin went home last night. I met them and Dawn for lunch at El Torrito so I could say goodbye and then go back to work red eyed and puffy faced. It sucked. On top of that, everyone was treating me like I was incapable of doing my job correctly because I was sad.

My boss came up to me and yelled at me for taking a long lunch then went immediatelyinto the "you poor thing! it's so hard!" attitude then back to yelling at me. Very typical of her. At least I got out of doing any shipping, not that I hate it or anything, but it was one less thing for me to do. After work, I drank ten too many Heineken's and cried myself to sleep.

I knew it was going to be harder this time to say goodbye, but I had no idea. I just want to be there for every second of his life. I want to see him walk on his own and I want to hear him learn to talk. I just want to be there. I want him to grow up knowing who his auntie Becky is. I am so scared he will grow up and I will just be a stranger to him. I kinda felt like I was a stranger to him while he was here. He loved Dawn to death, but he hardly knew me. It sucked. I had to work too much and had to do dance crap and stuff that I missed out on a lot of bonding time... with both of them.

I used to be the one who spent the most time with Chris, because I got out of work at 3 and could hang out all night with her. Now I'm lucky if I get out by 8. I know my sister has a better life now, but I wish I could witness it more. It's so hard to be this far away! This sucks.
Current Mood: sad

10th December 2004

12:55pm: Owie Owie Owie
I just sliced my fingertip open on 7 or 8 postcards. It is so thick and deep!
It freak'n HURTS!!! Why do paper cuts hurt so GODDAMN much!!!!
AHHHH!!!!
Current Mood: PAIN

4th November 2004

3:06pm: My music has a dirty mouth
I swear, I have put in no less than 10 CDs today and every single one is offensive and not work suitable. Most I have listened to a million times at work but I am just now realizing it. The machines that I am forced to drown out with my music have been quiet today, thus making it possible to actually HEAR my music. Every single one I have had to turn off or lower so I don't get in trouble. It sucks. Makes me wonder why my tastes are so foul. It doesn't bother me, mind you, but I am certain my boss would have a few choice words to say about it.
Current Mood: mouthed
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